Wait and See

I'm going to write what comes up as thoughts in my mind- and deal with it here, as I listen to music (Bob Marley playlist on Myspace.)

"Don't let them fool you", says Bob Marley- in Hills and Valleys, "They are not/don't like you".

It's kind of scary.
I need to stop tearing down my family members- I need to stop thinking that I have to claim ownership on what's mine- not sharing with my Dad. I haven't been very generous- today I was in the kitchen and I looked in the fridge. I saw that my bananas were squahed because my dad put the carrots on top of them. I freaked out because this is a 'button' of mine. I don't like when people mishandle them- they ARE FRAGILE. So I allowed anger to control me and possess me in separation from my dad- later on I realized that I didn't have to react- reacting is futile. Totally useless, until you learn your lesson from it. I also judge myself alot. I noticed that I can't let go of things. I have this energetic reaction within me that takes over of guilt, shame, imperfection takes its toll on me- when I won't let myself see, within stopping my mind, that life is perfect. I am life- if I stop separating myself from it- which is the root of all evil- is the problem. Anyways- I could have just told my dad calmly- what needs to be considered with the bananas, and perhaps what I was feeling as anxiety and fear of not having enough food to last. I breathe. I realize that anxiety is not necessary- ever.

I also was getting mad at him because he used 'my' baby-carrots that I was saving/bought for easy chopping- I got mad because I didn't want to use the big carrots because they are harder to cut up. I got mad at him for that. I didn't consider his point of view. I just experienced a irritated reaction thinking about his apparent ignorance. Like kind of pissed off unbelieving. It's so obvious to me how delicate bananas are. Maybe they are okay- though. I don't know yet!

And as I was being pissed off in my bubble of thoughts and reactions as emotions and feelings- I noticed my dad had left the faucet running carelessly- in my point of view- and I hate when things are wasted- I hate it to the point of hating when money is wasted. Money fucks everyone! It does. Just like I fuck everyone when I judge them as bad, okay, or good. It's futile to try to change the world- it's better to just change yourself. Because then atleast you can enjoy your live, while living with yourself. & Really, if we don't change we can't expect others to, as who we are, equal and one. It's fun really- to communicate with my dad as me, equal and one with me. I just get caught up .. a lot.

Anyways, time to go to sleep. Ahhhh. Goodnight world, happy valentine's day. Love you!