I'm Part of the Dis-ease.

As I'm listening to Coldplay- I hear, "Am I part of the cure, or am I part of the disease?" And "Nothing else compares-", in which I understand that nothing else compares to myself. Who am I to say that- now? Well, who I am as "not of" this physical world, yet as it- As everything accomplished, everything achieved, everything known- AS (not yet) Responsible for Everything- as it's creator- as the life force of all expression.    I know I don't have to fear other people- I will still be here with and as myself, facing myself as all and everything as one- I can at least be myself, instead of cowering away and perpetuating the fear and abuse that exists within myself/the world. I Imagine what Jesus would be like. Then I separate myself from him, almost immediately when thinking about what I've become- looking at legs, covered in stretch marks and excess fat- etc. I connect with this perception of myself- I know and see it's evil in itself, yet I have identified with it. It's not my legs- yet I blame them for what I have done to myself. I haven't forgiven myself, either. I haven't embraced myself -- loved myself enough to forgive myself. It's like a tension built up on layers and layers of trying to protect myself from the world- in fear of myself as my body- existing in fear. Which is the problem-. I fear how things will turn out in the future, I fear my past creeping up on me, I fear the consequence that is here already- through fearing my past actions and choices- I'm really just dragging it out, here, wasting my time. I've forgotten how to live, to be free from thought, to be loving of myself- connected and intimate with my body. I have forgotten myself within this. Within my environment I have separated myself so much- within fear of not getting things done perfectly- soon enough, good enough, not being good enough, not being accepted by others- because I fear everything outside of me- It's kind of sad. On one hand I really want things- and on the other hand- I want to hide away until .. I get them? So I never get a chance to .. or rather, give myself a chance to- be myself, and enjoy just being. Being my body openly without pre-programmed fears installed into my con-sciousness. Here are some of my fears-

1. Being alone, not having someone next to me- not ever having a boyfriend again, not being accepted by society because I'm single- and have been for a long time.
2. Being alone, or isolated from group activities. Not having friends is something I've had to deal with for years. I have no family, either. No brothers or sisters, my other family I hardly ever see except for I live with my dad. I also fear being around all these people because I fear them judging me ... because I fear..
3. My ugly body. I really am not a model. I gave up my almost perfect body (perfect looking, anyway), when I abused it long enough for the effects to manifest as acne. Now, I'm covered in stretch marks from my hips past my knees. I'm fatter then what beautiful is defined as. I don't shave. My arm hair turned dark after I 'epilated' the hairs- which is tweezing with a device that can do more then a tweezer by far- and a lot more damage apparently. Why? Because I hated my long blonde arm hair. Nearly my whole body is covered in hair- which I despise. My boobs aren't big enough to pop out and make guys drool. My butt has stretch marks, and jiggles. I have acne on my shoulders, on my chest, and my upper arms- as well as on my face. Pock marks, too. Everything has gone to shit.

(Thank god I'm reading 80/10/10 'cause without it just ain't cuttin' it.) Cut the fat and 'wa-la', fruits and leafy greens will save the day. I can't even eat nuts and seeds without getting acne.

4. I fear wearing summery clothing because I fear others judging my body. I know this is a reasonable fear- So, I'm working towards a slim, fit, and radiant body from non-sweet/seet fruits and palatable vegetables.

So, this next month, in hopes of attaining some of my goals at least- I'll be going on a raw vegan frugivorous diet- I'm not sure whether or not I should include vegetables, like leafy greens- I think my throat could use it. It's very rough right now. Dates are my problem! Which is one reason you should blend up dateorade .. and one more reason I should get a blender.

Switching subjects-

So, I have a chunk of money coming, and I'm wondering if getting the blender my dad promised me is such a good idea after reading some of Dr. Doug Graham's book 80/10/10.. Apparently eating root seeds (as nuts), cruciferous vegetables, and root veggies aren't optimal for us humans' digestion. Then again I think about Freelee and Kristina who both eat all of the above- using their blender. This is when I realize I need to decide for myself. I think I will go through some of the recipes I have stored up for the possible chance of getting a blender, before I decide. I know I shouldn't be considering eating any more seeds for now- they are too fatty and take too long to digest. I would say the other vegetables are like- not necessary for me either, at least in my day-to-day meals. So with tender leafy greens and sweet/non-sweet fruits I will have to see if getting a blender is worth it, I think it is still, I guess I could at least pump myself up about it a little more by looking, sorting through the recipes, though.

Cheerio!

Wait and See

I'm going to write what comes up as thoughts in my mind- and deal with it here, as I listen to music (Bob Marley playlist on Myspace.)

"Don't let them fool you", says Bob Marley- in Hills and Valleys, "They are not/don't like you".

It's kind of scary.
I need to stop tearing down my family members- I need to stop thinking that I have to claim ownership on what's mine- not sharing with my Dad. I haven't been very generous- today I was in the kitchen and I looked in the fridge. I saw that my bananas were squahed because my dad put the carrots on top of them. I freaked out because this is a 'button' of mine. I don't like when people mishandle them- they ARE FRAGILE. So I allowed anger to control me and possess me in separation from my dad- later on I realized that I didn't have to react- reacting is futile. Totally useless, until you learn your lesson from it. I also judge myself alot. I noticed that I can't let go of things. I have this energetic reaction within me that takes over of guilt, shame, imperfection takes its toll on me- when I won't let myself see, within stopping my mind, that life is perfect. I am life- if I stop separating myself from it- which is the root of all evil- is the problem. Anyways- I could have just told my dad calmly- what needs to be considered with the bananas, and perhaps what I was feeling as anxiety and fear of not having enough food to last. I breathe. I realize that anxiety is not necessary- ever.

I also was getting mad at him because he used 'my' baby-carrots that I was saving/bought for easy chopping- I got mad because I didn't want to use the big carrots because they are harder to cut up. I got mad at him for that. I didn't consider his point of view. I just experienced a irritated reaction thinking about his apparent ignorance. Like kind of pissed off unbelieving. It's so obvious to me how delicate bananas are. Maybe they are okay- though. I don't know yet!

And as I was being pissed off in my bubble of thoughts and reactions as emotions and feelings- I noticed my dad had left the faucet running carelessly- in my point of view- and I hate when things are wasted- I hate it to the point of hating when money is wasted. Money fucks everyone! It does. Just like I fuck everyone when I judge them as bad, okay, or good. It's futile to try to change the world- it's better to just change yourself. Because then atleast you can enjoy your live, while living with yourself. & Really, if we don't change we can't expect others to, as who we are, equal and one. It's fun really- to communicate with my dad as me, equal and one with me. I just get caught up .. a lot.

Anyways, time to go to sleep. Ahhhh. Goodnight world, happy valentine's day. Love you!