Today I was reading a blog from Malin Olofsson. I will be reading it shortly to write about some thoughts that come up, as they were coming up earlier- to get some clarity and debunk those thoughts as not real.
For reference please visit: http://networkedblogs.com/EwfDU
I realize and understand that when I have thoughts such as "Damn, she/he must think/be thinking I'm completely worthless due to my appearance," they are merely accepted and allowed forms of self-hatred and separation to deliberately disregard my responsibility for the world we/I live in, my world.
I see and realize that thoughts such as these must be fully understood and stopped within self for me/each one to change and make up a world that is livable and breathable for everyone, a world that is best for all, and for self, of course.
I see and realize that these thoughts are self-fabricated and actually not necessary to function practically and efficiently in this world. It is not necessary to abuse myself in this way- it is literally self-degrading, and self-destructive in living a happy- 'fruitful' life.
I understand that this addiction of mine to judge myself as less then others, in so many ways- is actually a cover-up to not have to take responsibility for my creation 'out there', which must be faced within myself as the one who projects this bullshit within my mind as acceptances and allowances of abuse, fear and separation- onto the 'outside world'.
I see that my mind has been showing me in quantum time how exactly I am abusing myself in each moment.
I understand that I create fear and separation, and abdicate responsibility to change myself within thoughts about others thinking I am worthless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually care about/consider what others think of my appearance, when really their opinion on how I look is irrelevant, and it's me who is here judging myself about it.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that it doesn't matter what others think of me- it only matter what I think of me.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to forgive myself when becoming insecure and taking what others say personally and seriously- instead of seeing that I have allowed myself to react to what they said- I have become a reaction, instead of staying true to who I am here as the breath, constant, consistent, and stable- as all as one as equal. No thought can sum me up.
I see and realize that giving value to other people's opinions is actually self dishonest because I am not actually doing the math- I am just valuing what they say because they are who they are, and I fear not being like them, or liked by them, etc.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I judge myself as ugly- I feel ugly throughout the day and blame how I feel on others and outer circumstances- projecting it onto them, in hatred/spite of myself.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted myself within just breathing here.
I see that when I fall into self-judgement, shame, non-acceptance, feeling of inferiority, and fear- I don't have to judge myself for falling, just stop gradually and breathe through, with self-love, and self-forgiveness.
I see that the mirror-personality where I access how I should feel about myself through memories of what I looked like in the mirror is actually not real here, it's only a fabricated judgement based on fear of others, wanting to be accepted, and a complete lack of self-intimacy and self-love.
I see and realize that when I am accessing how I felt about myself earlier when I looked in the mirror, I am validating the way I felt by considering that judgement as real, here. I am taking judgements seriously over just living with myself here.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stay here in this moment- physically, rather then go off into an alternate reality of the mind- judgements of others, etc. when I am really judging myself within that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the illusions seriously and let them control my expression within what I believe I am and what I do.
I move myself back HERE, back to the phsical reality in each moment, not accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself through going into the mind and abusing others and myself within judgement and fear of myself as the mind essentially- I must take responsibility here.
I am here, I breathe.
EqualMoneyPony;)
Friday, November 23, 2012
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Asstrollogy Revisited.
Tonight I'd like to write about thoughts I am dealing with- with 'regards' to asstrollogy.
So- recently, I had written down all the western astrology signs on a piece of paper in a clockwise pattern because I wanted to write down what was going on in my head as; 'is my family triad equally close to each other on the zodiac wheel?' As it turns out, yes- we are basically three months away from each other either direction- which I thought was weird and very suspicious, like it was a programmed event that we'd get to this point of being a family together. Anyways- after even going as far as trying to figure out 'which parent am I am closer to'- separating myself from my parents as one and equal, within astrology constucts/mindfucks- I finally stopped myself. With my starting point as one of separation towards this existence, total limitation and cowardice- I was enveloped by the desire to uncover the secrets of my existence, which is silly because what is real does not keep/have secrets, the mind does, though. It also keeps us from seeing reality, which is why we're looking for the secrets in the first place. Everything I need to know right now is laid out for me right here in the physical. The mind feeds off the physical therefore it is predictable and offers nothing new, really- just old thought patterns that enslave us. Let's get real.
Why was I following thoughts- vali-dating why everything is way it is? Why was that consuming/possessing me to the point it controlled me in any way? Obviously it's because I fear letting go of that part of myself which I've defined myself as, which astrology is extensively 'good' at.. to not have to face the real truth of myself- which is total self-responsibility for what is here as me on this earth- equal and one!!! All it takes is to be here and see it, investigate it, and understand it; realizing/discovering yourself within/as it, one and equal- which is changing oneself within the mind, as thoughts, feelings and emotions- to stop the mind and live for real, in the real physical world. We must face ourselves as the consequence of what we've accepted and allowed within us, but instead I decided to abdicate responsibility to become obsessed with astrology.
Another point is thinking a lot about how certain people- who are labeled as this sign or this animal, etc., are apparently different then others, and 'special' because they were born with 'it', they are defined as it, sometimes I desire being/having that which they have/are- becoming jealous for not having/being it, or find myself discriminating against them because they have it- or don't. It just goes to show how the mind is the ultimate form of deceptive entertainment- as it is what we pre-occupy ourselves with more than anything- and none of it's real, it's of no use. It is ultimately just continuing the abuse that has come before us, it is fear of having to face ourselves and give up that which we are addicted to- that's killing us! What a stupid fear. --I have also thought a lot about how some people (signs designated (date) by birthdates) are compatible with others, and how some are not.
I said before, these ideas are completely insane and abusive to all involved. I don't think it is correct nor ethical to create/participate within a.. game ..that categorizes people into groups/defines and predicts their entire life based on their time of birth- which essentially was created to separate ourselves within ourselves, as multiple personalities- and from ourselves as the whole- from the source which we all are, which express itself as the complete embodiment/spectrum of everything in existence. This is who we really are, who we can become, once we commit ourselves to stopping our minds.
I see now how astrology have been used/is being used to enslave and control our bodies as human beings through mind-possession- so limited within fear; fearing others we've defined as separate from ourselves.
It's clear now that I- along with many others are abusing this game to not have to face ourselves as addicted to thoughts/energy- wherein we deliberately separate ourselves from everything in existence, even what we have, but fear losing- as that which gives the mind energy- fear- separating ourselves from our very own potential as one and equal with and as everything. We're addicted to abdicating the responsibility we have to stand up from within the mind and take responsibility as it, to change 'ourselves' within it- within stopping ourselves, understanding and changing our acceptances and allowances of abuse- forgiving ourselves to then be the living proof of what it is to change, setting an example for the world to follow suit!
Another excuse I encounter is within thinking that we have no choice but to be programmed this way and must work within it/play (the system/the game), basically just dealing (with) the cards we're dealt, (haha). I also have been acting out certain positive personalities/negative personalities that I've imposed upon myself as what I believe in- as what I've become within/as astrology knowledge and information, where I also fear the negative traits that I am prone to, as what I've allowed myself to exist as/become as a dog character- mostly just being afraid of others judging me as a dog, being embarrassed and not accepted by the others animals- not proud of being a dog. LOL
And then the final clusterfuck emerges/occurs within desiring a relationship where in my mind I would believe that I must have someone who is perfectly compatible with my own signs while also fearing people who may reject me/not like me because we are not compatible by astrological standards. So, I'd be either avoiding them and disregarding their potential as equal and one with me- or gravitating towards them if I believe that they are compatible. When I don't know what they 'are' as a Leo, a Virgo, or some other sign.. I will be looking for personality clues- warming up to them to better get to know them- even asking when they were born. This is all because if they don't fit into what I believe is best for me within finding someone to be with that understands me and makes me feel good- they are not worth my time- they have no worth. This is of course the mind that is 'talking'- which forgets that all life is actually one and equal.
Fear feeds fear- and that's what I'm addicted to. The main fear I experience and see myself living is the fear of being rejected/not accepted! I fear not being with someone. I fear being alone. I fear having to face myself- I fear stopping my mind that constantly and consistently wants and craves to have a relationship with someone else, other then/not myself. I fear stopping this addiction because I believe it is who I am as a lover-y person (ovary? oh, yes that's want it is an ingrained desire to fuck and have babies.), believing that it's important to fulfill my BURNING desires within being with someone, (oh so important). I know that what I'm wanting now(thinks about won/own/now word clusterfuck).. is not real- as it simply doesn't have any substance, or relevance- other then to fulfill my mind's desires.
I'd rather just pay attention to what's actually going on here on the physical plane, and be in sync with that flow- doing what's best for all- as who I really am, of course.
However- usually when I want something bad enough - when I've deliberately separated myself from something with emotion/feeling - I'm totally possessed by it/obsessed with it. Then I am shown that I in fact do not want it- physically, that I really don't want it! (remembers a dream about being with my old friends/my ex on a road trip- fear of loss -- required to unconditionally let go of, you don't have to hold onto what is real). Anyways, whether it's my realizations here in physical movement as writing, or when those around me that ARE what I have thought about/wanted/feared- show me that they are no better then I am and I don't need to get them to like me/be like them to be better (than myself here), for some... entrenched psychological reason. (SEX -- survival instincts (of the species). And it sounds SO tempting- but it's really not something I need to get- definitely not something I want to waste my time within thinking about it, wherein I will inevitably face the consequence of the con-sequence in my head. Blegh, no thank you, I'll stop.
I commit myself to listen to my own words here and stop thinking about being with people- having friends, falling in love/having sex/being in a relationshop, <-- haha -- caring about that which is outside of myself- when I could be working on establishing my own self-honesty in self-intimacy- agreeing with myself as all, as one, as equal- to support myself in every moment of breath here on earth. Not giving in or giving up my integrity, dignity and common sense to fall back into old ways of unnecessary self-abuse.
❂ Bang. Everyone is a universe. Everyone is equal- yet unique in the whole. we are all one. Life is the ultimate answer to all of our problems, and it's time to listen up because this is not a game- this is real talk.
Thanks for reading. ☺
❀ ᶃᶓᶇᶕᶌίᶔⱴᶚᶗᶘαίᵲᶒ℘ăᶉᵳƴ ❀
So- recently, I had written down all the western astrology signs on a piece of paper in a clockwise pattern because I wanted to write down what was going on in my head as; 'is my family triad equally close to each other on the zodiac wheel?' As it turns out, yes- we are basically three months away from each other either direction- which I thought was weird and very suspicious, like it was a programmed event that we'd get to this point of being a family together. Anyways- after even going as far as trying to figure out 'which parent am I am closer to'- separating myself from my parents as one and equal, within astrology constucts/mindfucks- I finally stopped myself. With my starting point as one of separation towards this existence, total limitation and cowardice- I was enveloped by the desire to uncover the secrets of my existence, which is silly because what is real does not keep/have secrets, the mind does, though. It also keeps us from seeing reality, which is why we're looking for the secrets in the first place. Everything I need to know right now is laid out for me right here in the physical. The mind feeds off the physical therefore it is predictable and offers nothing new, really- just old thought patterns that enslave us. Let's get real.
Why was I following thoughts- vali-dating why everything is way it is? Why was that consuming/possessing me to the point it controlled me in any way? Obviously it's because I fear letting go of that part of myself which I've defined myself as, which astrology is extensively 'good' at.. to not have to face the real truth of myself- which is total self-responsibility for what is here as me on this earth- equal and one!!! All it takes is to be here and see it, investigate it, and understand it; realizing/discovering yourself within/as it, one and equal- which is changing oneself within the mind, as thoughts, feelings and emotions- to stop the mind and live for real, in the real physical world. We must face ourselves as the consequence of what we've accepted and allowed within us, but instead I decided to abdicate responsibility to become obsessed with astrology.
Another point is thinking a lot about how certain people- who are labeled as this sign or this animal, etc., are apparently different then others, and 'special' because they were born with 'it', they are defined as it, sometimes I desire being/having that which they have/are- becoming jealous for not having/being it, or find myself discriminating against them because they have it- or don't. It just goes to show how the mind is the ultimate form of deceptive entertainment- as it is what we pre-occupy ourselves with more than anything- and none of it's real, it's of no use. It is ultimately just continuing the abuse that has come before us, it is fear of having to face ourselves and give up that which we are addicted to- that's killing us! What a stupid fear. --I have also thought a lot about how some people (signs designated (date) by birthdates) are compatible with others, and how some are not.
I said before, these ideas are completely insane and abusive to all involved. I don't think it is correct nor ethical to create/participate within a.. game ..that categorizes people into groups/defines and predicts their entire life based on their time of birth- which essentially was created to separate ourselves within ourselves, as multiple personalities- and from ourselves as the whole- from the source which we all are, which express itself as the complete embodiment/spectrum of everything in existence. This is who we really are, who we can become, once we commit ourselves to stopping our minds.
I see now how astrology have been used/is being used to enslave and control our bodies as human beings through mind-possession- so limited within fear; fearing others we've defined as separate from ourselves.
It's clear now that I- along with many others are abusing this game to not have to face ourselves as addicted to thoughts/energy- wherein we deliberately separate ourselves from everything in existence, even what we have, but fear losing- as that which gives the mind energy- fear- separating ourselves from our very own potential as one and equal with and as everything. We're addicted to abdicating the responsibility we have to stand up from within the mind and take responsibility as it, to change 'ourselves' within it- within stopping ourselves, understanding and changing our acceptances and allowances of abuse- forgiving ourselves to then be the living proof of what it is to change, setting an example for the world to follow suit!
Another excuse I encounter is within thinking that we have no choice but to be programmed this way and must work within it/play (the system/the game), basically just dealing (with) the cards we're dealt, (haha). I also have been acting out certain positive personalities/negative personalities that I've imposed upon myself as what I believe in- as what I've become within/as astrology knowledge and information, where I also fear the negative traits that I am prone to, as what I've allowed myself to exist as/become as a dog character- mostly just being afraid of others judging me as a dog, being embarrassed and not accepted by the others animals- not proud of being a dog. LOL
And then the final clusterfuck emerges/occurs within desiring a relationship where in my mind I would believe that I must have someone who is perfectly compatible with my own signs while also fearing people who may reject me/not like me because we are not compatible by astrological standards. So, I'd be either avoiding them and disregarding their potential as equal and one with me- or gravitating towards them if I believe that they are compatible. When I don't know what they 'are' as a Leo, a Virgo, or some other sign.. I will be looking for personality clues- warming up to them to better get to know them- even asking when they were born. This is all because if they don't fit into what I believe is best for me within finding someone to be with that understands me and makes me feel good- they are not worth my time- they have no worth. This is of course the mind that is 'talking'- which forgets that all life is actually one and equal.
Fear feeds fear- and that's what I'm addicted to. The main fear I experience and see myself living is the fear of being rejected/not accepted! I fear not being with someone. I fear being alone. I fear having to face myself- I fear stopping my mind that constantly and consistently wants and craves to have a relationship with someone else, other then/not myself. I fear stopping this addiction because I believe it is who I am as a lover-y person (ovary? oh, yes that's want it is an ingrained desire to fuck and have babies.), believing that it's important to fulfill my BURNING desires within being with someone, (oh so important). I know that what I'm wanting now
I'd rather just pay attention to what's actually going on here on the physical plane, and be in sync with that flow- doing what's best for all- as who I really am, of course.
However- usually when I want something bad enough - when I've deliberately separated myself from something with emotion/feeling - I'm totally possessed by it/obsessed with it. Then I am shown that I in fact do not want it- physically, that I really don't want it! (remembers a dream about being with my old friends/my ex on a road trip- fear of loss -- required to unconditionally let go of, you don't have to hold onto what is real). Anyways, whether it's my realizations here in physical movement as writing, or when those around me that ARE what I have thought about/wanted/feared- show me that they are no better then I am and I don't need to get them to like me/be like them to be better (than myself here), for some... entrenched psychological reason. (SEX -- survival instincts (of the species). And it sounds SO tempting- but it's really not something I need to get- definitely not something I want to waste my time within thinking about it, wherein I will inevitably face the consequence of the con-sequence in my head. Blegh, no thank you, I'll stop.
I commit myself to listen to my own words here and stop thinking about being with people- having friends, falling in love/having sex/being in a relationshop, <-- haha -- caring about that which is outside of myself- when I could be working on establishing my own self-honesty in self-intimacy- agreeing with myself as all, as one, as equal- to support myself in every moment of breath here on earth. Not giving in or giving up my integrity, dignity and common sense to fall back into old ways of unnecessary self-abuse.
❂ Bang. Everyone is a universe. Everyone is equal- yet unique in the whole. we are all one. Life is the ultimate answer to all of our problems, and it's time to listen up because this is not a game- this is real talk.
Thanks for reading. ☺
❀ ᶃᶓᶇᶕᶌίᶔⱴᶚᶗᶘαίᵲᶒ℘ăᶉᵳƴ ❀
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Thinking Outside the Box.
I was reading through one of my mini-notebooks.. which is actually sort of a novelty item- I bought it at Barnes & Noble- it was next to the cash register- THOSE kind of books- and I came across a conversation that I had been listening to between Malin Olofsson & Lilly- which I had written down. Yes, it that good. Anyways- A really beneficial thing was written down in my own words and it was like a key to open the doors out of my little cage within my mind which I used to define and entertain myself with- during the last several months, forgetting what I had heard and learned that night while listening to Desteni videos.What really got me in a state of .. well reality- was when I read the first entry I had written from Talk #2- and I quote:
Anyways- after a break, I see that what is holding me back from actually living this, is myself deciding NOT to breathe, but instead to go off on a tangent within my thoughts. Defining and entertaining myself once again. Which is in essence just missing out on life, and what is here. Going into my mind- I can see that all the desires and dreams, hopes and fears, hate and love, etc. are all in fact separation from actually living and practically moving myself to accomplish my goals that will lead to a comfortable life, but I incessantly waste my time just thinking about it- which has possessed me for years and is pretty fucking pathetic when I look back. It's difficult for me to face myself sometimes- as who I really am and just say "No, knock this shit off." It's so difficult because I have believed this shit to be me- I have defined and confined myself within and as it solely. That's why reading thisn tidbit from Lilly was like a breath of fresh air. Screw God, Thank LILLY!
Now, I'm just here with myself, like always, and I just sigh because I have really been fucking with myself these past few years.. and it shows. My life .. well I guess just "I" am in shambles. A mess indeed. Not a beatiful disaster.. not a hot mess.. just a wreck. & I see and realize that I'm going to have to breathe myself through this period in my life.. until things are 'better'. Breath is essential for me at this point. "The point of life is ourselves". "Nothing else matters here but who I am as breath." No hope, just do this. Hoping is wasting my breath. Hope is separartion from myself.
Talk #1:
"For a Moment step out of the conscious mind experience & become a collective participant of yourself & stand outside the box while experiencing it at the same time & You start Seeing. Whoa."Yes, quite a woah moment. Anyways- what I saw was that I can actually look at my thoughts. I don't have to identify with them, as they ARE NOT who I really am as life. "Who You are is not a Thought." But the situation most beings face is that they believe this lie- that they ARE their minds- when really this is what separates us from life- and leads to every single fear we hold, every idea that possesses us. So now I'm slowly- but surely working towards that awareness, in every moment, that I as the breathe of life can edit, delete, and stop my participation within my mind because it doesn't actually define who I am- unless I allow it to, unless I decide to believe in those thoughts, which create feelings and emotions- that seemreal, but are merely my-nd creations to validate my chains of thought in my own personal hell called the mind, and thus act on them creating a reality that really burns me out. Even now- I'm wondering if I just suck at writing- or if my participation within my mind while I write this is turning into 'verbal diahrrea'. I'm not editing, by the way, I'm just typing- without deleting.
Anyways- after a break, I see that what is holding me back from actually living this, is myself deciding NOT to breathe, but instead to go off on a tangent within my thoughts. Defining and entertaining myself once again. Which is in essence just missing out on life, and what is here. Going into my mind- I can see that all the desires and dreams, hopes and fears, hate and love, etc. are all in fact separation from actually living and practically moving myself to accomplish my goals that will lead to a comfortable life, but I incessantly waste my time just thinking about it- which has possessed me for years and is pretty fucking pathetic when I look back. It's difficult for me to face myself sometimes- as who I really am and just say "No, knock this shit off." It's so difficult because I have believed this shit to be me- I have defined and confined myself within and as it solely. That's why reading thisn tidbit from Lilly was like a breath of fresh air. Screw God, Thank LILLY!
Now, I'm just here with myself, like always, and I just sigh because I have really been fucking with myself these past few years.. and it shows. My life .. well I guess just "I" am in shambles. A mess indeed. Not a beatiful disaster.. not a hot mess.. just a wreck. & I see and realize that I'm going to have to breathe myself through this period in my life.. until things are 'better'. Breath is essential for me at this point. "The point of life is ourselves". "Nothing else matters here but who I am as breath." No hope, just do this. Hoping is wasting my breath. Hope is separartion from myself.
Talk #1:
Talk #2:
Bonus: Talk #3
The key is stopping participation within my mind- as thoughts, feelings, and emotions.. over and over.. not allowing myself top suppress myself but rather to breathe through what I have accepted and allowed myself to create as my mind, as fears- no more following my thoughts- they are USELESS.
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