Don't fall into the mindtrap, see it for what it is.

Right now I am sitting in front of my Grami's computer, feeling kinda depressed, somewhat angry, and waiting for the World to change. About a half-hour ago I was getting ready to go to bed, I brushed my teeth, flossed, etc. & rushed to the living room to get into 'bed' (on the couch next to the television). My Mom was watching a documentary and I knew she wasn't planning on departing. So, I went over and turned off the lamp. I sat down on my 'bed' and we slowly but surely got into an argument about my bedtime. If I had my way I would go to bed every night at 9pm, lay in bed for an hour, breathing into a total comfortability, and eventually fall asleep around 10pm. It was already 10pm, and I have been meaning to get to bed earlier since I should be waking up at 6:30, so I was pretty pissed off that my own mother would rather watch her shows then let me get the rest I need. She said that I was being rude for turning the light off, and that I had expected her to retire from her T.V. time because apparently it's crucial to watch what the weather might do tomarrow. Somehow I knew this was backwards. Letting your daughter rest < Watching the news. Anyways, after all was said and done, my Mom got up and started doing irrelevant stuff like sorting through dvd's, and checking her voicemail, and I felt pretty shitty. I had acted out and reacted to my emotions, feelings, and thoughts, although I hadn't spoken my thoughts aloud, I still reacted, which is unnacceptable, irrelevant, and unnessecary! So, I started to feel like I needed to cry, I allowed myself to do so. After tears were shed, I decided to get up and come back into the kitchen to get on the computer and write this out! (Thanks, Duffy.) Meanwhile, I heard my cousin and my uncle coming 'home' from where-ever they had been. They didn't say Hello or anything, they just came in... no big deal. After some time passed they were leaving again and Katie said Bye to me. I didn't respond to her because my throat had suddenly clogged up. After that they took a few more minutes to leave, so I knew that it wasn't nessecary in that moment to say 'good-bye'. When they finally did leave, Steve said BYE, and I didn't say anything, then Katie said C'YA, in a ways that I did not appreciate. It's funny how people think I'm the one that's being rude. Please, people, look at how you're treating me! I don't know what else I should be realizing here, other then looking back and seeing that they are me showing me my own self-deception, but I do know that I am okay now. :]

P.S. A point came up regarding me desiring to go out on the town w/ or w/o Katie. I realize that this desire has been created by me defining myself as it & leading to fear of loss. Why fear losing what you are? If you fear losing something you will inevitably 'lose' it because it is nessecary to realize that you ARE it, and you can't lose yourself. You have no choice but to be with yourself in all moments, as yourself. No matter where you go, you are still here, with yourself! & your desires in the mind are completely irrelevant to what is here, after all that bullshit about going to bed, you're wishing to go out? WTF. Okay, I got it.

Next point, Why the hell do I care about what people think of me or how people treat me? If they're going to be rude, or complete dicks, that's great, let them be dicks, sucks for them. (mindfuck) You just pay attention to you, and your individual process. :] You have no control over what happens to happen in reality, you are responsible for dealing with it however, and how you deal with it has specific consequences based on what you think, how you feel, what you do, etc.

Who are you in your world, as your world? The kingdom of heaven exists within YOU. - Audrey Hepburn

The relationship ties 'outside' of you connecting you to this World are bondage. Why do you seek to tie yourself down  rather then living the life you want to live? Let all those separate beings go, and when you come into contact with someone all you do is realize your oneness with that person, and conduct yourself in a way that benefits the both of you, as equals.

P.S.S. I just went back to lie down on the couch, and I remembered that after my family had 'mistreated' me I felt suicidal for a few moments. This goes to show how much I rely on outside sources to value me, instead of valuing myself. How I define myself according to relationships. I also remembered that I only require 6 hours of sleep, thus I could have skipped the whole fight with my Mom, blogged about earlier verbal wars with her, and gone to bed by 11:30pm (which is the new plan), getting my full six hours and waking up just in time to make breakfast and get on with my day!

Anyways, thanks for reading.

If you noticed anything you'd like to add, I would appreciate it.

Ta Ta For Now ;]