Sweet dreams are made of these...

"The waking have one world in common;
sleepers have each a private world of their own"
(Heraclitus)

I noticed the quote above when browsing through my News Feed on Facebook. Alot of Destonians had posted it, and I thought it was cool. It seemed to have alot of relevance, like it was telling me something....

Last night I was having trouble falling asleep, I was up for more then an hour breathing, fearing spiders, and thinking about songs. Two songs played in my head for the most part, the first was "No Love" by Eminem ft. Lil' Wayne, but just the part with Lil' Wayne was running through my mind... "I don't need you, don't wanna see you no more...(No Love)...(No Love)" On and on.. and I remembered that there is NO LOVE outside of myself! Then another song started playing. "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry, and I actually don't like this song very much, but I realized this morning that it was reflecting my fear of death!

So, after going a little crazy from all the mind participation, and not being able to fucking sleep (probably cause of the caffine running through my system), I got up and started watching DesteniProductions videos, which calmed me down. Time flew, and I went to bed and fell asleep, somehow.
After a night full of dreams, I was blinded by the sun coming through my window and I immediately switched back to the regular sleeping direction (cause I had switched during the night due to my fear of spiders coming down from my canopy). My head was now pointing north instead of south and the sun wasn't blinding me anymore so, I fell back asleep.


It's funny how easy it is to fall asleep when you don't want let go of a dream, and how hard it is when you're 'trying' to fall asleep to escape reality.


The next time I woke up, I didn't feel very 'peachy' about what I had dreamt about. I first decided to let it go but it wasn't unconditional. I was soon bawling my eyes out, thinking about my ex. I believed in my thoughts, emotions, and feelings. I felt like there was no escape. So, I let it all out.


In my depression, I walked into the kitchen and started up a pot with a pea soup mix. Leaving it on high, I returned to my room to watch YouTube vids. 


Next thing you know, my Dad is home and I start to smell burning, (if you're going to play with consciousness, you're going to get burnt!). I went into the kitchen with tears rolling down my face from listening to "Colors" by Morandi on Grooveshark, which I initially found by watching 'cute' kitten videos from last night. This one sparked my interest because that's how I felt. Look at those eyes! :(

In the kitchen, Dad had already put the pot of burnt soup in the sink and filled it up with water. Without any harshness he asked if I had burned oatmeal, obviously trying to make me feel better, cause I knew he had looked in the pot.


He followed me into my room and asked why I was crying. After a few guesses he mentioned my ex, I nodded yes. He said that he knew I would be upset when that all ended. He told me about a story when he fell in love with a girl who was older then him after being 'close' in a pool, and then she moved to the Bay Area, he followed her and she said that she was too old for him.


This made me cry more because it reminded me of Taylor, and Kelsey (who was older then him), together. They had formed a relationship right after we broke up, and she stayed with him at his house (b/c of a falling out with her boyfriend who she had been staying with). It really hurt me to see how fast I had been replaced, but I knew I was responsible. She and other girls whom I was jealous of that he worked with would hang out with Taylor outside of work even before we broke up. That was when I knew our relationship was fucked.


 Weeks after he broke up with me, I had a new guy 'friend', and we were all at a party together. During the gathering, I was looking out the window to the porch and I saw him kiss her. Total shocker, but I knew that they were for-sure together at this point. Taylor's Mom, Kelsey, and Taylor drove me home that night (can't remember if I puked or not). When I was getting out of the truck tears welled in my eyes, but I was kind-hearted and held back my tears. I was still in love with him.


Eventually, she moved back to California. So, when my Dad told me that story it made me think about them being in love, (which I had created in my mind based on something I read in Astrology), when Kit (His Mom) said something about him wanting to go out and see her in California (which wasn't completely clear), and how maybe our relationship that lasted for 2 fucking YEARS (literally), meant nothing to him. I was devastated! Then he said that I'm living too much in the past, and to not worry. To be NOW. I've been working on that. He also mentioned that Taylor is a different person now, and so am I. Which I knew in my heart, but chose to ignore to fullfill my minds desires. :/


Another thing I want to add is about the pea soup mix. First, there wasn't much soup to begin with, I put it on too high for too long, my dad came home and it was burnt, he put it in the sink with water, and obviously the soup is ruined & the pan is going to take a long time to scrape all that burntness off!


In other words, our relationshit wasn't that great, he wasn't really my cup of tea and I wasn't his either. I totally abused him and myself, driving in the fast lane of consciousness, having way too much sex, compromising myself, ruining my relationship with my dad due to random acts of my ego, and ruining my own life for quite some 'time'.


Which just goes to show that I really need to stop worrying about the past, to stop thinking about it, it's over! Let go of it! It's hard to live in each moment and forget about something that once was so precious to you in your mind, but there's really nothing precious about the mind, it's enslaving you, and relationships are enslavement, too. Free yourself. You don't need a man to love you, be with you, hold you, et cetera. You are all of that, you are infinite. You, are Love. Love conquers All! Let go of the 'separate' beings, and realize that you are the Whole. Oh, and you have work to do, Genevieve. (: That includes self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-corrective application, and lots of breathing! Enjoy every moment doll. ;)

P.S. My Dad has taken the liberty to scrape all the burnt peas off the bottom of the pan. Which reminds me of something LLCraver said to me. Worrying just feeds energy to the situation, and is never neccessary! ^=^'