Right now I am sitting in front of my Grami's computer, feeling kinda depressed, somewhat angry, and waiting for the World to change. About a half-hour ago I was getting ready to go to bed, I brushed my teeth, flossed, etc. & rushed to the living room to get into 'bed' (on the couch next to the television). My Mom was watching a documentary and I knew she wasn't planning on departing. So, I went over and turned off the lamp. I sat down on my 'bed' and we slowly but surely got into an argument about my bedtime. If I had my way I would go to bed every night at 9pm, lay in bed for an hour, breathing into a total comfortability, and eventually fall asleep around 10pm. It was already 10pm, and I have been meaning to get to bed earlier since I should be waking up at 6:30, so I was pretty pissed off that my own mother would rather watch her shows then let me get the rest I need. She said that I was being rude for turning the light off, and that I had expected her to retire from her T.V. time because apparently it's crucial to watch what the weather might do tomarrow. Somehow I knew this was backwards. Letting your daughter rest < Watching the news. Anyways, after all was said and done, my Mom got up and started doing irrelevant stuff like sorting through dvd's, and checking her voicemail, and I felt pretty shitty. I had acted out and reacted to my emotions, feelings, and thoughts, although I hadn't spoken my thoughts aloud, I still reacted, which is unnacceptable, irrelevant, and unnessecary! So, I started to feel like I needed to cry, I allowed myself to do so. After tears were shed, I decided to get up and come back into the kitchen to get on the computer and write this out! (Thanks, Duffy.) Meanwhile, I heard my cousin and my uncle coming 'home' from where-ever they had been. They didn't say Hello or anything, they just came in... no big deal. After some time passed they were leaving again and Katie said Bye to me. I didn't respond to her because my throat had suddenly clogged up. After that they took a few more minutes to leave, so I knew that it wasn't nessecary in that moment to say 'good-bye'. When they finally did leave, Steve said BYE, and I didn't say anything, then Katie said C'YA, in a ways that I did not appreciate. It's funny how people think I'm the one that's being rude. Please, people, look at how you're treating me! I don't know what else I should be realizing here, other then looking back and seeing that they are me showing me my own self-deception, but I do know that I am okay now. :]
P.S. A point came up regarding me desiring to go out on the town w/ or w/o Katie. I realize that this desire has been created by me defining myself as it & leading to fear of loss. Why fear losing what you are? If you fear losing something you will inevitably 'lose' it because it is nessecary to realize that you ARE it, and you can't lose yourself. You have no choice but to be with yourself in all moments, as yourself. No matter where you go, you are still here, with yourself! & your desires in the mind are completely irrelevant to what is here, after all that bullshit about going to bed, you're wishing to go out? WTF. Okay, I got it.
Next point, Why the hell do I care about what people think of me or how people treat me? If they're going to be rude, or complete dicks, that's great, let them be dicks, sucks for them. (mindfuck) You just pay attention to you, and your individual process. :] You have no control over what happens to happen in reality, you are responsible for dealing with it however, and how you deal with it has specific consequences based on what you think, how you feel, what you do, etc.
Who are you in your world, as your world? The kingdom of heaven exists within YOU. - Audrey Hepburn
The relationship ties 'outside' of you connecting you to this World are bondage. Why do you seek to tie yourself down rather then living the life you want to live? Let all those separate beings go, and when you come into contact with someone all you do is realize your oneness with that person, and conduct yourself in a way that benefits the both of you, as equals.
P.S.S. I just went back to lie down on the couch, and I remembered that after my family had 'mistreated' me I felt suicidal for a few moments. This goes to show how much I rely on outside sources to value me, instead of valuing myself. How I define myself according to relationships. I also remembered that I only require 6 hours of sleep, thus I could have skipped the whole fight with my Mom, blogged about earlier verbal wars with her, and gone to bed by 11:30pm (which is the new plan), getting my full six hours and waking up just in time to make breakfast and get on with my day!
Anyways, thanks for reading.
If you noticed anything you'd like to add, I would appreciate it.
"The waking have one world in common;
sleepers have each a private world of their own"
(Heraclitus)
I noticed the quote above when browsing through my News Feed on Facebook. Alot of Destonians had posted it, and I thought it was cool. It seemed to have alot of relevance, like it was telling me something....
Last night I was having trouble falling asleep, I was up for more then an hour breathing, fearing spiders, and thinking about songs. Two songs played in my head for the most part, the first was "No Love" by Eminem ft. Lil' Wayne, but just the part with Lil' Wayne was running through my mind... "I don't need you, don't wanna see you no more...(No Love)...(No Love)" On and on.. and I remembered that there is NO LOVE outside of myself! Then another song started playing. "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry, and I actually don't like this song very much, but I realized this morning that it was reflecting my fear of death!
So, after going a little crazy from all the mind participation, and not being able to fucking sleep (probably cause of the caffine running through my system), I got up and started watching DesteniProductions videos, which calmed me down. Time flew, and I went to bed and fell asleep, somehow. After a night full of dreams, I was blinded by the sun coming through my window and I immediately switched back to the regular sleeping direction (cause I had switched during the night due to my fear of spiders coming down from my canopy). My head was now pointing north instead of south and the sun wasn't blinding me anymore so, I fell back asleep.
It's funny how easy it is to fall asleep when you don't want let go of a dream, and how hard it is when you're 'trying' to fall asleep to escape reality.
The next time I woke up, I didn't feel very 'peachy' about what I had dreamt about. I first decided to let it go but it wasn't unconditional. I was soon bawling my eyes out, thinking about my ex. I believed in my thoughts, emotions, and feelings. I felt like there was no escape. So, I let it all out.
In my depression, I walked into the kitchen and started up a pot with a pea soup mix. Leaving it on high, I returned to my room to watch YouTube vids.
Next thing you know, my Dad is home and I start to smell burning, (if you're going to play with consciousness, you're going to get burnt!). I went into the kitchen with tears rolling down my face from listening to "Colors" by Morandi on Grooveshark, which I initially found by watching 'cute' kitten videos from last night. This one sparked my interest because that's how I felt. Look at those eyes! :(
In the kitchen, Dad had already put the pot of burnt soup in the sink and filled it up with water. Without any harshness he asked if I had burned oatmeal, obviously trying to make me feel better, cause I knew he had looked in the pot.
He followed me into my room and asked why I was crying. After a few guesses he mentioned my ex, I nodded yes. He said that he knew I would be upset when that all ended. He told me about a story when he fell in love with a girl who was older then him after being 'close' in a pool, and then she moved to the Bay Area, he followed her and she said that she was too old for him.
This made me cry more because it reminded me of Taylor, and Kelsey (who was older then him), together. They had formed a relationship right after we broke up, and she stayed with him at his house (b/c of a falling out with her boyfriend who she had been staying with). It really hurt me to see how fast I had been replaced, but I knew I was responsible. She and other girls whom I was jealous of that he worked with would hang out with Taylor outside of work even before we broke up. That was when I knew our relationship was fucked.
Weeks after he broke up with me, I had a new guy 'friend', and we were all at a party together. During the gathering, I was looking out the window to the porch and I saw him kiss her. Total shocker, but I knew that they were for-sure together at this point. Taylor's Mom, Kelsey, and Taylor drove me home that night (can't remember if I puked or not). When I was getting out of the truck tears welled in my eyes, but I was kind-hearted and held back my tears. I was still in love with him.
Eventually, she moved back to California. So, when my Dad told me that story it made me think about them being in love, (which I had created in my mind based on something I read in Astrology), when Kit (His Mom) said something about him wanting to go out and see her in California (which wasn't completely clear), and how maybe our relationship that lasted for 2 fucking YEARS (literally), meant nothing to him. I was devastated! Then he said that I'm living too much in the past, and to not worry. To be NOW. I've been working on that. He also mentioned that Taylor is a different person now, and so am I. Which I knew in my heart, but chose to ignore to fullfill my minds desires. :/
Another thing I want to add is about the pea soup mix. First, there wasn't much soup to begin with, I put it on too high for too long, my dad came home and it was burnt, he put it in the sink with water, and obviously the soup is ruined & the pan is going to take a long time to scrape all that burntness off!
In other words, our relationshit wasn't that great, he wasn't really my cup of tea and I wasn't his either. I totally abused him and myself, driving in the fast lane of consciousness, having way too much sex, compromising myself, ruining my relationship with my dad due to random acts of my ego, and ruining my own life for quite some 'time'.
Which just goes to show that I really need to stop worrying about the past, to stop thinking about it, it's over! Let go of it! It's hard to live in each moment and forget about something that once was so precious to you in your mind, but there's really nothing precious about the mind, it's enslaving you, and relationships are enslavement, too. Free yourself. You don't need a man to love you, be with you, hold you, et cetera. You are all of that, you are infinite. You, are Love. Love conquers All! Let go of the 'separate' beings, and realize that you are the Whole. Oh, and you have work to do, Genevieve. (: That includes self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-corrective application, and lots of breathing! Enjoy every moment doll. ;)
P.S. My Dad has taken the liberty to scrape all the burnt peas off the bottom of the pan. Which reminds me of something LLCraver said to me. Worrying just feeds energy to the situation, and is never neccessary! ^=^'
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Okay, so I haven't blogged in awhile, I have been meaning to ever since I got internet again :).
So, here I am.
Anywho, today I was watching a video, "Structural Resonance -Denise: Desteni", and as I was half-way through the 2nd viewing, (due to the major similarities within my past relationships, and the extremely honest, truthful information and support provided), when I heard the doorbell ring!
One of my 'friends' was at the door asking for my Dad. I could tell he had weed on him from the way he smelled, so I gave him a 'look', opened the door wide, and let him wake my Dad up for himself. I personally don't support drug-abuse.
Anyways, as Gage was leaving... one of my neighbors across from me (I live in apts.), was down the stairs with his new puppy, Bud (short for Buddy). Buddy was being rather non-conformative, like usual, and drinking out of puddles. ^-^..
Moments pass, and I'm informed that my neighbors have yet another puppy, Bella. So, I go inside the neighbors apt. to see for myself.
Denise asks me to watch one of the puppies while they go out of town for the weekend. I, of course, would love to, but I'm not sure if my Dad will approve. So, I will just have to wait and see if I'll be a puppy-sitter this weekend, or not.
Inside, Denise starts asking me more questions. When she starts asking about my schooling, I am pretty much silent. My mind is popping-up answers that are obviously irrelevant, therefore I stay quiet, once in awhile I will blurt something out to shut her up. I feel uneasy, and it seems like Denise is really not understanding why I am so quiet, but that's alright.
Russ on the other hand is answering questions for me, having a 'good ol' time', smiling, and being 'weird' in a refreshing way.
I am practicing being with and as my surroundings, which includes the people around me, 'cause we're all one in the same.
They are really starting to remind me of when I was in a relationship with my ex, Taylor. Russ being friendly, loving, playful, down-to-earth, goofy, ...and Denise, acting manipulative, bitchy, needy, and sarcastic, with a strong attitude. Just like Taylor and I were together!
We looked at paint colors in their living room for their new place, talked about the dogs whereabouts and behaviors, talked about them moving, and how I can access their internet after they do, and Denise asked me what my passion in life was (which I had no reply to,other then a very slow-responsed, desperate, "I don't know.")
Russ talked about work at my old High School cleaning classrooms, and Denise discusses her line of work (cooking for people's parties, etc.), Russ coming home late from shopping at Wal-Mart, the town in which we live, why I don't have a boyfriend, how beautiful I am (complete and utter bullshit), and the dogs (calling Bella homely and ugly ['Beauty' can't exist without 'Ugly' folks!]), and then, the grand finale, blaming Russ for not taking care of getting her a dresser from our downstairs neighbor Phillis (Dove) in time.
So, as Russ goes out to talk to Dove standing downstairs for back-up, I casually walk back into my apartment. Home sweet home. Anyways, I just thought it was funny how I totally forgot my neighbors name was Denise while watching this video and then I run into her. I was able to witness for myself why it was Taylor and I split, first hand, in 3D, and I definitely had some realizations thrown in my direction.
P.S. It's Thursday and I'm editing posts, I would like to add I went downstairs the same day when Denise spoke to me like I was inferior to her, asking if I had asked my Dad about watching the dogs for 2 days, and he was standing right there! Why would someone be such a bitch after I offered to do them a favor, & when my Dad was right in front of her!? D:< :P :]
No sign of puppies either. Oh well, less hair on my plate.
All day today I've been watching videos from my playlist at YouTube from DesteniProductions, learning so much information voiced by several different and amazing people from the 'dimensions'.
Just now, I watched a video from Audrey Hepburn, who has been like an idol to me since I saw Breakfast at Tiffany's, pretty mind-blowing!
You should definitely check out this video along with videos that accompany it and all other videos that interest you at Desteni's YT channel.
I was fretting over my ex-boyfriend again, thinking, thinking, thinking, "How was I going to get back with him?", "What did I do wrong?", "Was it really my fault he broke up with me?" Then another thought popped into my mind, maybe it was because of all my beliefs about astrology. Astrology had been a big part of my daily life ever since we started dating (September 12, 2008), because I had found we were both 'aries' so I became more and more interested in finding out what else we had in common, and how 'compatible' we were. As I started studying astrology intensively, I felt more and more isolated from my friends, including Taylor (my ex), because of what I learned from the Birth Charts. His Natal (birth) Chart it described him very closely to what mine described, since we were born around the same time. But there was one thing I read on his chart that made me very fearful. It said that he would enter a relationship only because he couldn't say "no", and another thing, that "degree" described, on his Birth Chart Wheel, is that he would be in a relationship but wouldn't be satisfied, so he would be unfaithful to the relationship. That's all I can recall from that experience, but it really tore me up inside, I became more and more obsessed hoping there was a solution to this 'absolute'. Months went by, and we drifted farther apart because of my constant involvement with astrology in my mind. I also started reading Chinese astrology, and because we are born in two different months we apparently weren't a suitable 'love match'. I believed everything, and incorporated these fears into my daily life.
I continued buying astro-books, reading horoscopes, and basically abusing myself, day-to-day, separating myself in my little mind-bubble and judging others constantly, either being extremely envious, or arrogant. In the last months of being together I would usually stay at home studying astrology while he was at work with other girls. Jealousy had taken my life over, and all I could think about was him. Inevitably, the prophecy came true because of my belief, he ended the relationship on September 30, 2010. That day I went into his work to see him, and we ended up walking outside and sat next to a spot next to a big tree and a propane tank, everything was falling apart by then and I let my emotions envelop me, bursting into tears, asking what was going on in HIS mind about the other girls, not even realizing what I had created in my own. After telling me "Maybe we should break up", I got even more emotional because I had been with him for so long, we had been through so much together. He was the closest thing to me, yet the farthest apart. I asked him to walk me home, he did. I remember myself going over to my kitchen counter in my apartment and pulling a big knife out of the silverware drawer, making a suicidal scene. He did nothing. Neither did I, I felt stupid and he eventually left after we said "I love you" to each other. Just slinging the bull'. Days went by, all I had on my mind was, "How will I get back with him?", "How can I improve?", but soon after, I was walking and saw walking from a girl's house I had been jealous of with a girl that he later started dating, whom I was also jealous of! Every single girl I was jealous of he would smile at or hang out with. I was completely left in the dust. Also, I had acne back then (like now), so I was usually by myself, not wanting to be seen by others. I was basically miserable, for months, and even after we had broken up I still had an obsession with astrology, and with him. I was constantly in my mind. (Thankfully before we broke up, I found a PBS movie about Buddhism which became a new interest to me to help me deal with this suffering.)
"What you think and believe, you can achieve." Goddamnit.
Okay, so how I found the Equal Money System was recently (April 22, 2011) when I was on YouTube for something, anything, to help me prove astrology was wrong. I had become obsessed again with getting back with my ex after hearing he was visiting from Washington (where we had planned on moving together). I found a video on Equal Money by Bernard Poolman, it explained that indeed, astrology was just another fucked up system created by the mind. I discontinued my 'horror-scope' use, and have quit using astrology altogether, trying to eliminate it from my belief systems!
Since then I have watched many more videos, and been through many more experiences, like quitting all drug use, wanting to kill myself from watching a common-sense video from Bernard, stopping abusive thoughts, learning about consumerism, learning about energy possession, Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, learning about dreaming life, changing my behavior, learning how to breathe, facing my fears. Also I have been very edgy with my Dad lately because he saw me bawling and I had to show him a sample of what I had watched that made me feel like killing myself. He got pretty pissed off when he heard "eradicate the humans", and acted extremely demon-like, and possessive. He wasn't even listening to the video! I was very scared, feeling as if he would kill me instead. I felt like I needed to run away, but this was dumb because where would I go? My father is like my best-friend and honestly by this point my Ego had taken over making me believe that I was separate from him. I have also realized that the 'love' we've shared hasn't been very real at all, most of the time. But I have overcome these things, thankfully. Also, I used to be very 'spiritual', anything to help my acne heal. But Bernard's videos helped me see the real light, reality.
So, I continue on, experiencing, and changing.
Seeing how all my experiences are just like baby-steps, each day I make new ground.
Life is a river, ever flowing, and always changing course.
We face obstacles, nourish others, free fall into the unknown, or just stay still.
Like streams of water we all flow to the same vast ocean.
Meeting resistance and challenges with enthusiasm!
We must enjoy it all, before we 'evaporate' into the great sky.
But that must be a journey on it's own too.
Expressing yourself Here in Totality and Fullness, with heightened Alertness.
We can face any challenge, and make this Earth a place for everyone to enjoy in Peace and True love.
By treating others like we would like others to treat us. In Equality & Oneness.
The Golden Rule of Unconditional Love, for Ourselves as well as Others, near or far.
We are One with and as all existence and non-existence.
The outer a mere reflection of the inner.
Just breathe.
Letting your worries wash away like water. Don't get emotional!
Inhaling Self-Forgiveness, Hold it, Exhaling Self-Honesty, Hold it.
No-mind involvement is necessary considering it just creates separation and makes you miserable.
We are all one and equal whether we believe it or not.
All working, trying to help each other in the long run.
We all are going through the same cycles, on the very same Earth.
Our sins in the mind is only holding us back from being here as life, breath by breath, without grief, jealousy, anxiety, anger, fear, wrath, greed, laziness, lust, envy, gluttony, obsession, hatred, doubt, pride, arrogance, belief, and/or regret.
NOW is the time for us to join together so we can really make a difference, saving ourselves, and the things we care about, deep in our hearts, before it's too late.
