I'm Part of the Dis-ease.

As I'm listening to Coldplay- I hear, "Am I part of the cure, or am I part of the disease?" And "Nothing else compares-", in which I understand that nothing else compares to myself. Who am I to say that- now? Well, who I am as "not of" this physical world, yet as it- As everything accomplished, everything achieved, everything known- AS (not yet) Responsible for Everything- as it's creator- as the life force of all expression.    I know I don't have to fear other people- I will still be here with and as myself, facing myself as all and everything as one- I can at least be myself, instead of cowering away and perpetuating the fear and abuse that exists within myself/the world. I Imagine what Jesus would be like. Then I separate myself from him, almost immediately when thinking about what I've become- looking at legs, covered in stretch marks and excess fat- etc. I connect with this perception of myself- I know and see it's evil in itself, yet I have identified with it. It's not my legs- yet I blame them for what I have done to myself. I haven't forgiven myself, either. I haven't embraced myself -- loved myself enough to forgive myself. It's like a tension built up on layers and layers of trying to protect myself from the world- in fear of myself as my body- existing in fear. Which is the problem-. I fear how things will turn out in the future, I fear my past creeping up on me, I fear the consequence that is here already- through fearing my past actions and choices- I'm really just dragging it out, here, wasting my time. I've forgotten how to live, to be free from thought, to be loving of myself- connected and intimate with my body. I have forgotten myself within this. Within my environment I have separated myself so much- within fear of not getting things done perfectly- soon enough, good enough, not being good enough, not being accepted by others- because I fear everything outside of me- It's kind of sad. On one hand I really want things- and on the other hand- I want to hide away until .. I get them? So I never get a chance to .. or rather, give myself a chance to- be myself, and enjoy just being. Being my body openly without pre-programmed fears installed into my con-sciousness. Here are some of my fears-

1. Being alone, not having someone next to me- not ever having a boyfriend again, not being accepted by society because I'm single- and have been for a long time.
2. Being alone, or isolated from group activities. Not having friends is something I've had to deal with for years. I have no family, either. No brothers or sisters, my other family I hardly ever see except for I live with my dad. I also fear being around all these people because I fear them judging me ... because I fear..
3. My ugly body. I really am not a model. I gave up my almost perfect body (perfect looking, anyway), when I abused it long enough for the effects to manifest as acne. Now, I'm covered in stretch marks from my hips past my knees. I'm fatter then what beautiful is defined as. I don't shave. My arm hair turned dark after I 'epilated' the hairs- which is tweezing with a device that can do more then a tweezer by far- and a lot more damage apparently. Why? Because I hated my long blonde arm hair. Nearly my whole body is covered in hair- which I despise. My boobs aren't big enough to pop out and make guys drool. My butt has stretch marks, and jiggles. I have acne on my shoulders, on my chest, and my upper arms- as well as on my face. Pock marks, too. Everything has gone to shit.

(Thank god I'm reading 80/10/10 'cause without it just ain't cuttin' it.) Cut the fat and 'wa-la', fruits and leafy greens will save the day. I can't even eat nuts and seeds without getting acne.

4. I fear wearing summery clothing because I fear others judging my body. I know this is a reasonable fear- So, I'm working towards a slim, fit, and radiant body from non-sweet/seet fruits and palatable vegetables.

So, this next month, in hopes of attaining some of my goals at least- I'll be going on a raw vegan frugivorous diet- I'm not sure whether or not I should include vegetables, like leafy greens- I think my throat could use it. It's very rough right now. Dates are my problem! Which is one reason you should blend up dateorade .. and one more reason I should get a blender.

Switching subjects-

So, I have a chunk of money coming, and I'm wondering if getting the blender my dad promised me is such a good idea after reading some of Dr. Doug Graham's book 80/10/10.. Apparently eating root seeds (as nuts), cruciferous vegetables, and root veggies aren't optimal for us humans' digestion. Then again I think about Freelee and Kristina who both eat all of the above- using their blender. This is when I realize I need to decide for myself. I think I will go through some of the recipes I have stored up for the possible chance of getting a blender, before I decide. I know I shouldn't be considering eating any more seeds for now- they are too fatty and take too long to digest. I would say the other vegetables are like- not necessary for me either, at least in my day-to-day meals. So with tender leafy greens and sweet/non-sweet fruits I will have to see if getting a blender is worth it, I think it is still, I guess I could at least pump myself up about it a little more by looking, sorting through the recipes, though.

Cheerio!

Wait and See

I'm going to write what comes up as thoughts in my mind- and deal with it here, as I listen to music (Bob Marley playlist on Myspace.)

"Don't let them fool you", says Bob Marley- in Hills and Valleys, "They are not/don't like you".

It's kind of scary.
I need to stop tearing down my family members- I need to stop thinking that I have to claim ownership on what's mine- not sharing with my Dad. I haven't been very generous- today I was in the kitchen and I looked in the fridge. I saw that my bananas were squahed because my dad put the carrots on top of them. I freaked out because this is a 'button' of mine. I don't like when people mishandle them- they ARE FRAGILE. So I allowed anger to control me and possess me in separation from my dad- later on I realized that I didn't have to react- reacting is futile. Totally useless, until you learn your lesson from it. I also judge myself alot. I noticed that I can't let go of things. I have this energetic reaction within me that takes over of guilt, shame, imperfection takes its toll on me- when I won't let myself see, within stopping my mind, that life is perfect. I am life- if I stop separating myself from it- which is the root of all evil- is the problem. Anyways- I could have just told my dad calmly- what needs to be considered with the bananas, and perhaps what I was feeling as anxiety and fear of not having enough food to last. I breathe. I realize that anxiety is not necessary- ever.

I also was getting mad at him because he used 'my' baby-carrots that I was saving/bought for easy chopping- I got mad because I didn't want to use the big carrots because they are harder to cut up. I got mad at him for that. I didn't consider his point of view. I just experienced a irritated reaction thinking about his apparent ignorance. Like kind of pissed off unbelieving. It's so obvious to me how delicate bananas are. Maybe they are okay- though. I don't know yet!

And as I was being pissed off in my bubble of thoughts and reactions as emotions and feelings- I noticed my dad had left the faucet running carelessly- in my point of view- and I hate when things are wasted- I hate it to the point of hating when money is wasted. Money fucks everyone! It does. Just like I fuck everyone when I judge them as bad, okay, or good. It's futile to try to change the world- it's better to just change yourself. Because then atleast you can enjoy your live, while living with yourself. & Really, if we don't change we can't expect others to, as who we are, equal and one. It's fun really- to communicate with my dad as me, equal and one with me. I just get caught up .. a lot.

Anyways, time to go to sleep. Ahhhh. Goodnight world, happy valentine's day. Love you!

Day 210. A Fat Body Reflects an imperfect Person -- Review

Today I was reading a blog from Malin Olofsson. I will be reading it shortly to write about some thoughts that come up, as they were coming up earlier- to get some clarity and debunk those thoughts as not real.

For reference please visit: http://networkedblogs.com/EwfDU

I realize and understand that when I have thoughts such as "Damn, she/he must think/be thinking I'm completely worthless due to my appearance," they are merely accepted and allowed forms of self-hatred and separation to deliberately disregard my responsibility for the world we/I live in, my world.
I see and realize that thoughts such as these must be fully understood and stopped within self for me/each one to change and make up a world that is livable and breathable for everyone, a world that is best for all, and for self, of course.
I see and realize that these thoughts are self-fabricated and actually not necessary to function practically and efficiently in this world. It is not necessary to abuse myself in this way- it is literally self-degrading, and self-destructive in living a happy- 'fruitful' life.
I understand that this addiction of mine to judge myself as less then others, in so many ways- is actually a cover-up to not have to take responsibility for my creation 'out there', which must be faced within myself as the one who projects this bullshit within my mind as acceptances and allowances of abuse, fear and separation- onto the 'outside world'.
I see that my mind has been showing me in quantum time how exactly I am abusing myself in each moment.
I understand that I create fear and separation, and abdicate responsibility to change myself within thoughts about others thinking I am worthless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually care about/consider what others think of my appearance, when really their opinion on how I look is irrelevant, and it's me who is here judging myself about it.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that it doesn't matter what others think of me- it only matter what I think of me.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to forgive myself when becoming insecure and taking what others say personally and seriously- instead of seeing that I have allowed myself to react to what they said- I have become a reaction, instead of staying true to who I am here as the breath, constant, consistent, and stable- as all as one as equal. No thought can sum me up.
I see and realize that giving value to other people's opinions is actually self dishonest because I am not actually doing the math- I am just valuing what they say because they are who they are, and I fear not being like them, or liked by them, etc.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I judge myself as ugly- I feel ugly throughout the day and blame how I feel on others and outer circumstances- projecting it onto them, in hatred/spite of myself.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted myself within just breathing here.
I see that when I fall into self-judgement, shame, non-acceptance, feeling of inferiority, and fear- I don't have to judge myself for falling, just stop gradually and breathe through, with self-love, and self-forgiveness.
I see that the mirror-personality where I access how I should feel about myself through memories of what I looked like in the mirror is actually not real here, it's only a fabricated judgement based on fear of others, wanting to be accepted, and a complete lack of self-intimacy and self-love.
I see and realize that when I am accessing how I felt about myself earlier when I looked in the mirror, I am validating the way I felt by considering that judgement as real, here. I am taking judgements seriously over just living with myself here.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stay here in this moment- physically, rather then go off into an alternate reality of the mind- judgements of others, etc. when I am really judging myself within that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the illusions seriously and let them control my expression within what I believe I am and what I do.
I move myself back HERE, back to the phsical reality in each moment, not accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself through going into the mind and abusing others and myself within judgement and fear of myself as the mind essentially- I must take responsibility here.
I am here, I breathe.

Asstrollogy Revisited.

  Tonight I'd like to write about thoughts I am dealing with- with 'regards' to asstrollogy.
  So- recently, I had written down all the western astrology signs on a piece of paper in a clockwise pattern because I wanted to write down what was going on in my head as; 'is my family triad equally close to each other on the zodiac wheel?' As it turns out, yes- we are basically three months away from each other either direction- which I thought was weird and very suspicious, like it was a programmed event that we'd get to this point of being a family together. Anyways- after even going as far as trying to figure out 'which parent am I am closer to'- separating myself from my parents as one and equal, within astrology constucts/mindfucks- I finally stopped myself. With my starting point as one of separation towards this existence, total limitation and cowardice- I was enveloped by the desire to uncover the secrets of my existence, which is silly because what is real does not keep/have secrets, the mind does, though. It also keeps us from seeing reality, which is why we're looking for the secrets in the first place. Everything I need to know right now is laid out for me right here in the physical. The mind feeds off the physical therefore it is predictable and offers nothing new, really- just old thought patterns that enslave us. Let's get real. 
  Why was I following thoughts- vali-dating why everything is way it is? Why was that consuming/possessing me to the point it controlled me in any way? Obviously it's because I fear letting go of that part of myself which I've defined myself as, which astrology is extensively 'good' at.. to not have to face the real truth of myself- which is total self-responsibility for what is here as me on this earth- equal and one!!! All it takes is to be here and see it, investigate it, and understand it; realizing/discovering yourself within/as it, one and equal- which is changing oneself within the mind, as thoughts, feelings and emotions- to stop the mind and live for real, in the real physical world. We must face ourselves as the consequence of what we've accepted and allowed within us, but instead I decided to abdicate responsibility to become obsessed with astrology. 
  Another point is thinking a lot about how certain people- who are labeled as this sign or this animal, etc., are apparently different then others, and 'special' because they were born with 'it', they are defined as it, sometimes I desire being/having that which they have/are- becoming jealous for not having/being it, or find myself discriminating against them because they have it- or don't. It just goes to show how the mind is the ultimate form of deceptive entertainment- as it is what we pre-occupy ourselves with more than anything- and none of it's real, it's of no use. It is ultimately just continuing the abuse that has come before us, it is fear of having to face ourselves and give up that which we are addicted to- that's killing us! What a stupid fear. --I have also thought a lot about how some people (signs designated (date) by birthdates) are compatible with others, and how some are not. 
  
  I said before, these ideas are completely insane and abusive to all involved. I don't think it is correct nor ethical to create/participate within a.. game ..that categorizes people into groups/defines and predicts their entire life based on their time of birth- which essentially was created to separate ourselves within ourselves, as multiple personalities- and from ourselves as the whole- from the source which we all are, which express itself as the complete embodiment/spectrum of everything in existence. This is who we really are, who we can become, once we commit ourselves to stopping our minds. 

  I see now how astrology have been used/is being used to enslave and control our bodies as human beings through mind-possession- so limited within fear; fearing others we've defined as separate from ourselves. 

  It's clear now that I- along with many others are abusing this game to not have to face ourselves as addicted to thoughts/energy- wherein we deliberately separate ourselves from everything in existence, even what we have, but fear losing- as that which gives the mind energy- fear- separating ourselves from our very own potential as one and equal with and as everything. We're addicted to abdicating the responsibility we have to stand up from within the mind and take responsibility as it, to change 'ourselves' within it- within stopping ourselves, understanding and changing our acceptances and allowances of abuse- forgiving ourselves to then be the living proof of what it is to change, setting an example for the world to follow suit!

  Another excuse I encounter is within thinking that we have no choice but to be programmed this way and must work within it/play (the system/the game), basically just dealing (with) the cards we're dealt, (haha). I also have been acting out certain positive personalities/negative personalities that I've imposed upon myself as what I believe in- as what I've become within/as astrology knowledge and information, where I also fear the negative traits that I am prone to, as what I've allowed myself to exist as/become as a dog character- mostly just being afraid of others judging me as a dog, being embarrassed and not accepted by the others animals- not proud of being a dog. LOL

  And then the final clusterfuck emerges/occurs within desiring a relationship where in my mind I would believe that I must have someone who is perfectly compatible with my own signs while also fearing people who may reject me/not like me because we are not compatible by astrological standards. So, I'd be either avoiding them and disregarding their potential as equal and one with me- or gravitating towards them if I believe that they are compatible. When I don't know what they 'are' as a Leo, a Virgo, or some other sign.. I will be looking for personality clues- warming up to them to better get to know them- even asking when they were born. This is all because if they don't fit into what I believe is best for me within finding someone to be with that understands me and makes me feel good- they are not worth my time- they have no worth. This is of course the mind that is 'talking'- which forgets that all life is actually one and equal. 

Fear feeds fear- and that's what I'm addicted to. The main fear I experience and see myself living is the fear of being rejected/not accepted! I fear not being with someone. I fear being alone. I fear having to face myself- I fear stopping my mind that constantly and consistently wants and craves to have a relationship with someone else, other then/not myself. I fear stopping this addiction because I believe it is who I am as a lover-y person (ovary? oh, yes that's want it is an ingrained desire to fuck and have babies.), believing that it's important to fulfill my BURNING desires within being with someone, (oh so important). I know that what I'm wanting now (thinks about won/own/now word clusterfuck).. is not real- as it simply doesn't have any substance, or relevance- other then to fulfill my mind's desires.

  I'd rather just pay attention to what's actually going on here on the physical plane, and be in sync with that flow- doing what's best for all- as who I really am, of course.

  However- usually when I want something bad enough - when I've deliberately separated myself from something with emotion/feeling - I'm totally possessed by it/obsessed with it. Then I am shown that I in fact do not want it- physically, that I really don't want it! (remembers a dream about being with my old friends/my ex on a road trip- fear of loss -- required to unconditionally let go of, you don't have to hold onto what is real). Anyways, whether it's my realizations here in physical movement as writing, or when those around me that ARE what I have thought about/wanted/feared- show me that they are no better then I am and I don't need to get them to like me/be like them to be better (than myself here), for some... entrenched psychological reason. (SEX -- survival instincts (of the species). And it sounds SO tempting- but it's really not something I need to get- definitely not something I want to waste my time within thinking about it, wherein I will inevitably face the consequence of the con-sequence in my head. Blegh, no thank you, I'll stop.

  I commit myself to listen to my own words here and stop thinking about being with people- having friends, falling in love/having sex/being in a relationshop, <-- haha -- caring about that which is outside of myself- when I could be working on establishing my own self-honesty in self-intimacy- agreeing with myself as all, as one, as equal- to support myself in every moment of breath here on earth. Not giving in or giving up my integrity, dignity and common sense to fall back into old ways of unnecessary self-abuse.
  
  ❂ Bang. Everyone is a universe. Everyone is equal- yet unique in the whole. we are all one. Life is the ultimate answer to all of our problems, and it's time to listen up because this is not a game- this is real talk.

Thanks for reading. ☺
❀ ᶃᶓᶇᶕᶌίᶔⱴᶚᶗᶘαίᵲᶒ℘ăᶉᵳƴ ❀

Thinking Outside the Box.

I was reading through one of my mini-notebooks.. which is actually sort of a novelty item- I bought it at Barnes & Noble- it was next to the cash register- THOSE kind of books- and I came across a conversation that I had been listening to between Malin Olofsson & Lilly- which I had written down. Yes, it that good. Anyways- A really beneficial thing was written down in my own words and it was like a key to open the doors out of my little cage within my mind which I used to define and entertain myself with- during the last several months, forgetting what I had heard and learned that night while listening to Desteni videos.What really got me in a state of .. well reality- was when I read the first entry I had written from Talk #2- and I quote:

"For a Moment step out of the conscious mind experience & become a collective participant of yourself & stand outside the box while experiencing it at the same time & You start Seeing. Whoa."

 Yes, quite a woah moment. Anyways- what I saw was that I can actually look at my thoughts. I don't have to identify with them, as they ARE NOT who I really am as life. "Who You are is not a Thought." But the situation most beings face is that they believe this lie- that they ARE their minds- when really this is what separates us from life- and leads to every single fear we hold, every idea that possesses us. So now I'm slowly- but surely working towards that awareness, in every moment, that I as the breathe of life can edit, delete, and stop my participation within my mind because it doesn't actually define who I am- unless I allow it to, unless I decide to believe in those thoughts, which create feelings and emotions- that seemreal, but are merely my-nd creations to validate my chains of thought in my own personal hell called the mind, and thus act on them creating a reality that really burns me out. Even now- I'm wondering if I just suck at writing- or if my participation within my mind while I write this is turning into 'verbal diahrrea'. I'm not editing, by the way, I'm just typing- without deleting.

Anyways- after a break, I see that what is holding me back from actually living this, is myself deciding NOT to breathe, but instead to go off on a tangent within my thoughts. Defining and entertaining myself once again. Which is in essence just missing out on life, and what is here. Going into my mind- I can see that all the desires and dreams, hopes and fears, hate and love, etc. are all in fact separation from actually living and practically moving myself to accomplish my goals that will lead to a comfortable life, but I incessantly waste my time just thinking about it- which has possessed me for years and is pretty fucking pathetic when I look back. It's difficult for me to face myself sometimes- as who I really am and just say "No, knock this shit off." It's so difficult because I have believed this shit to be me- I have defined and confined myself within and as it solely. That's why reading thisn tidbit from Lilly was like a breath of fresh air. Screw God, Thank LILLY!

Now, I'm just here with myself, like always, and I just sigh because I have really been fucking with myself these past few years.. and it shows. My life .. well I guess just "I" am in shambles. A mess indeed. Not a beatiful disaster.. not a hot mess.. just a wreck. & I see and realize that I'm going to have to breathe myself through this period in my life.. until things are 'better'. Breath is essential for me at this point. "The point of life is ourselves". "Nothing else matters here but who I am as breath." No hope, just do this. Hoping is wasting my breath. Hope is separartion from myself.

Talk #1:

Talk #2:

Bonus: Talk #3

The key is stopping participation within my mind- as thoughts, feelings, and emotions.. over and over.. not allowing myself top suppress myself but rather to breathe through what I have accepted and allowed myself to create as my mind, as fears- no more following my thoughts- they are USELESS.

Don't fall into the mindtrap, see it for what it is.

Right now I am sitting in front of my Grami's computer, feeling kinda depressed, somewhat angry, and waiting for the World to change. About a half-hour ago I was getting ready to go to bed, I brushed my teeth, flossed, etc. & rushed to the living room to get into 'bed' (on the couch next to the television). My Mom was watching a documentary and I knew she wasn't planning on departing. So, I went over and turned off the lamp. I sat down on my 'bed' and we slowly but surely got into an argument about my bedtime. If I had my way I would go to bed every night at 9pm, lay in bed for an hour, breathing into a total comfortability, and eventually fall asleep around 10pm. It was already 10pm, and I have been meaning to get to bed earlier since I should be waking up at 6:30, so I was pretty pissed off that my own mother would rather watch her shows then let me get the rest I need. She said that I was being rude for turning the light off, and that I had expected her to retire from her T.V. time because apparently it's crucial to watch what the weather might do tomarrow. Somehow I knew this was backwards. Letting your daughter rest < Watching the news. Anyways, after all was said and done, my Mom got up and started doing irrelevant stuff like sorting through dvd's, and checking her voicemail, and I felt pretty shitty. I had acted out and reacted to my emotions, feelings, and thoughts, although I hadn't spoken my thoughts aloud, I still reacted, which is unnacceptable, irrelevant, and unnessecary! So, I started to feel like I needed to cry, I allowed myself to do so. After tears were shed, I decided to get up and come back into the kitchen to get on the computer and write this out! (Thanks, Duffy.) Meanwhile, I heard my cousin and my uncle coming 'home' from where-ever they had been. They didn't say Hello or anything, they just came in... no big deal. After some time passed they were leaving again and Katie said Bye to me. I didn't respond to her because my throat had suddenly clogged up. After that they took a few more minutes to leave, so I knew that it wasn't nessecary in that moment to say 'good-bye'. When they finally did leave, Steve said BYE, and I didn't say anything, then Katie said C'YA, in a ways that I did not appreciate. It's funny how people think I'm the one that's being rude. Please, people, look at how you're treating me! I don't know what else I should be realizing here, other then looking back and seeing that they are me showing me my own self-deception, but I do know that I am okay now. :]

P.S. A point came up regarding me desiring to go out on the town w/ or w/o Katie. I realize that this desire has been created by me defining myself as it & leading to fear of loss. Why fear losing what you are? If you fear losing something you will inevitably 'lose' it because it is nessecary to realize that you ARE it, and you can't lose yourself. You have no choice but to be with yourself in all moments, as yourself. No matter where you go, you are still here, with yourself! & your desires in the mind are completely irrelevant to what is here, after all that bullshit about going to bed, you're wishing to go out? WTF. Okay, I got it.

Next point, Why the hell do I care about what people think of me or how people treat me? If they're going to be rude, or complete dicks, that's great, let them be dicks, sucks for them. (mindfuck) You just pay attention to you, and your individual process. :] You have no control over what happens to happen in reality, you are responsible for dealing with it however, and how you deal with it has specific consequences based on what you think, how you feel, what you do, etc.

Who are you in your world, as your world? The kingdom of heaven exists within YOU. - Audrey Hepburn

The relationship ties 'outside' of you connecting you to this World are bondage. Why do you seek to tie yourself down  rather then living the life you want to live? Let all those separate beings go, and when you come into contact with someone all you do is realize your oneness with that person, and conduct yourself in a way that benefits the both of you, as equals.

P.S.S. I just went back to lie down on the couch, and I remembered that after my family had 'mistreated' me I felt suicidal for a few moments. This goes to show how much I rely on outside sources to value me, instead of valuing myself. How I define myself according to relationships. I also remembered that I only require 6 hours of sleep, thus I could have skipped the whole fight with my Mom, blogged about earlier verbal wars with her, and gone to bed by 11:30pm (which is the new plan), getting my full six hours and waking up just in time to make breakfast and get on with my day!

Anyways, thanks for reading.

If you noticed anything you'd like to add, I would appreciate it.

Ta Ta For Now ;]

Sweet dreams are made of these...

"The waking have one world in common;
sleepers have each a private world of their own"
(Heraclitus)

I noticed the quote above when browsing through my News Feed on Facebook. Alot of Destonians had posted it, and I thought it was cool. It seemed to have alot of relevance, like it was telling me something....

Last night I was having trouble falling asleep, I was up for more then an hour breathing, fearing spiders, and thinking about songs. Two songs played in my head for the most part, the first was "No Love" by Eminem ft. Lil' Wayne, but just the part with Lil' Wayne was running through my mind... "I don't need you, don't wanna see you no more...(No Love)...(No Love)" On and on.. and I remembered that there is NO LOVE outside of myself! Then another song started playing. "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry, and I actually don't like this song very much, but I realized this morning that it was reflecting my fear of death!

So, after going a little crazy from all the mind participation, and not being able to fucking sleep (probably cause of the caffine running through my system), I got up and started watching DesteniProductions videos, which calmed me down. Time flew, and I went to bed and fell asleep, somehow.
After a night full of dreams, I was blinded by the sun coming through my window and I immediately switched back to the regular sleeping direction (cause I had switched during the night due to my fear of spiders coming down from my canopy). My head was now pointing north instead of south and the sun wasn't blinding me anymore so, I fell back asleep.


It's funny how easy it is to fall asleep when you don't want let go of a dream, and how hard it is when you're 'trying' to fall asleep to escape reality.


The next time I woke up, I didn't feel very 'peachy' about what I had dreamt about. I first decided to let it go but it wasn't unconditional. I was soon bawling my eyes out, thinking about my ex. I believed in my thoughts, emotions, and feelings. I felt like there was no escape. So, I let it all out.


In my depression, I walked into the kitchen and started up a pot with a pea soup mix. Leaving it on high, I returned to my room to watch YouTube vids. 


Next thing you know, my Dad is home and I start to smell burning, (if you're going to play with consciousness, you're going to get burnt!). I went into the kitchen with tears rolling down my face from listening to "Colors" by Morandi on Grooveshark, which I initially found by watching 'cute' kitten videos from last night. This one sparked my interest because that's how I felt. Look at those eyes! :(

In the kitchen, Dad had already put the pot of burnt soup in the sink and filled it up with water. Without any harshness he asked if I had burned oatmeal, obviously trying to make me feel better, cause I knew he had looked in the pot.


He followed me into my room and asked why I was crying. After a few guesses he mentioned my ex, I nodded yes. He said that he knew I would be upset when that all ended. He told me about a story when he fell in love with a girl who was older then him after being 'close' in a pool, and then she moved to the Bay Area, he followed her and she said that she was too old for him.


This made me cry more because it reminded me of Taylor, and Kelsey (who was older then him), together. They had formed a relationship right after we broke up, and she stayed with him at his house (b/c of a falling out with her boyfriend who she had been staying with). It really hurt me to see how fast I had been replaced, but I knew I was responsible. She and other girls whom I was jealous of that he worked with would hang out with Taylor outside of work even before we broke up. That was when I knew our relationship was fucked.


 Weeks after he broke up with me, I had a new guy 'friend', and we were all at a party together. During the gathering, I was looking out the window to the porch and I saw him kiss her. Total shocker, but I knew that they were for-sure together at this point. Taylor's Mom, Kelsey, and Taylor drove me home that night (can't remember if I puked or not). When I was getting out of the truck tears welled in my eyes, but I was kind-hearted and held back my tears. I was still in love with him.


Eventually, she moved back to California. So, when my Dad told me that story it made me think about them being in love, (which I had created in my mind based on something I read in Astrology), when Kit (His Mom) said something about him wanting to go out and see her in California (which wasn't completely clear), and how maybe our relationship that lasted for 2 fucking YEARS (literally), meant nothing to him. I was devastated! Then he said that I'm living too much in the past, and to not worry. To be NOW. I've been working on that. He also mentioned that Taylor is a different person now, and so am I. Which I knew in my heart, but chose to ignore to fullfill my minds desires. :/


Another thing I want to add is about the pea soup mix. First, there wasn't much soup to begin with, I put it on too high for too long, my dad came home and it was burnt, he put it in the sink with water, and obviously the soup is ruined & the pan is going to take a long time to scrape all that burntness off!


In other words, our relationshit wasn't that great, he wasn't really my cup of tea and I wasn't his either. I totally abused him and myself, driving in the fast lane of consciousness, having way too much sex, compromising myself, ruining my relationship with my dad due to random acts of my ego, and ruining my own life for quite some 'time'.


Which just goes to show that I really need to stop worrying about the past, to stop thinking about it, it's over! Let go of it! It's hard to live in each moment and forget about something that once was so precious to you in your mind, but there's really nothing precious about the mind, it's enslaving you, and relationships are enslavement, too. Free yourself. You don't need a man to love you, be with you, hold you, et cetera. You are all of that, you are infinite. You, are Love. Love conquers All! Let go of the 'separate' beings, and realize that you are the Whole. Oh, and you have work to do, Genevieve. (: That includes self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-corrective application, and lots of breathing! Enjoy every moment doll. ;)

P.S. My Dad has taken the liberty to scrape all the burnt peas off the bottom of the pan. Which reminds me of something LLCraver said to me. Worrying just feeds energy to the situation, and is never neccessary! ^=^'